i dont know exactly why but life seems really strange at the moment. they granted me my most hopeful wish and let me go a week early from my job. so i got an extra weeks paid holiday. as you can imagine i immediately had visions of all the training i could get completed as well as catching up on a years worth of neglected chores around the house. what i have learnt is that it is hard to shovel and distribute 3.5 trailers load of mulch whilst also trying to swim, bike and run in 35-40 degree heat. it has me wondering how people who have physically demanding jobs manage to do both. the garden looks great, the retic is complete and even inside the place seems less messy. i am really worn out and yet the guilt is terrible. it is 1.23 pm and i have done nothing - all day. i have slept in, read my book and watched some mindless tv.
the sensible part of my brain (it is a very small section) tells me that it is good to sometimes do nothing. i am racked by the guilt of maybe not making the very most of my time off. did i train enough ? did i work hard enough around the house ? did i make the right choice everyday ?
the other thing that is worrying me is my swimming. it has sucked more than normal - even in the pool. i have a 2.5k open water swim tomorrow and i think that the other small section of my brain is FREAKING out about it. the course is 1.25k and i swam that last year. so it is two laps this year. it is going to be really hot tomorrow and no wind. perfect conditions. what is the very worst thing that can happen ? i only do one lap ? i get tired and have to swim to shore ? i know it is all in my head and i need to believe in me. i can do it.
and maybe because i start my new job on tuesday and it is now a very real thing i am also secretly stressed about that. i think i need to go do some ironing or something. happy new year.