Monday, February 21, 2011

when real life interrupts

i am a positive person.  sometimes being on your own it can be hard to remain positive as the only voice telling you that it will be okay is your own.  in this situation it can also be difficult to keep things in perspective - some things are just not that fucking important.   sometimes we forget we only get one shot at this life and there is no do over.

my mum has a disease.  we only found out this week and while it is not immediately life threatening it is very serious.  the reality that your parents are not going to live forever and to find out why is quite confronting.  my mum's mum lived to 99 and was incredibly active up until the last few years when her mind went off with the pixies.  she quietly passed in her sleep.  because of this we simply assumed it would be the same for her daughter.  i am worried about my dad as he becomes responsible for more than his beloved garden and cat.   how do you get your parents to make the right the decisions for themselves when they are the adult and not the child.   

then there is my shitty fucking job.  which the only important thing about it is the bills it pays.  would it be the end of the world if i just got up and walked away ?  people are assuming that i am happy settling for second best.   i called the recruitment agency and expressed my concern and they were surprised since the feedback they have had is that i am doing a great job.  a great job doing fuck all.  yesterday i got so stressed out i gave myself a headache.  i think that some experiences have chipped away at my confidence and i no longer have the ability to stand up.  insecurity is eating away at my soul.  i feel the same at races.  i dont compete hard.  before i would not hesitate to shirt front some girl in a hockey game and yet i get all upset if someone swims over my feet.  what the fuck is going on ?  when will the real me come back. 

i want to make plans.  i have been hanging in limbo for too long.  i will be glad when the next two races are done so i can concentrate on training.  i am going to run the hbf fun run two weeks after busselton - dead legs or not.  i am going to do the half marathon at the city to surf this year - you get a free t-shirt and a bigger medal so it has to be done.  i am going to fly to sydney two weeks prior and do their city to surf fun run.  if busselton goes well and all the variables fall into place i am going to visit my sister in july 2012 and do the rev3 portland long course (70.3).  this year is the the first year for the event so quite a few variables right there.  i need to buy a new mtb as i will be going back to dwellingup this year.   i nearly had it until i had to borrow from the triathlon fund to keep the car happy.  brakes do tend to be useful.  so only thing better than having a plan is when a plan comes together.  gotta remember the plan.  i feel better already.


Lexy said...

It will be OK!! I am good for some things and I can tell you that it WILL be OK!

Can you tell the puppets you work for that you are BORED? I had the same issue when i worked for the crazy Indian Dr's and i told them i was bored, they gave a project that would take 3 mths and it took me 2 weeks. One day i walked out and advised them my position was a PT job not FT. I never went back. it was like watching paint dry and like you i need to be busy.

as for Mum and Dad...i am worried for both of them. i feel i need to be there to get things fucntional for them both. yet this is th worst year of all for me as Lucas graduates JUNE the day and we have to organize College and where he will live etc. After that i am free but we are talking after September.

damn life and teh curve balls, but it WILL be OK...for all of us.

Lexy said...

for some reason google has my ID and i did not need my password!! YAH. sorry for all the typo's, if u hear an update from the folks please let me know and yes i wished we had the wisdom teeth done and over with.

Well Lakers are in town!! WOOT! We have won ONCE here since 2004. last win was last time they were here...hoping for another win!

jenez_world said...

september will be a good time. we will need a plan of attack.

Bertie said...

Wow, you certianly have a lot going on! But you are right, some things just don't matter in the grand scale of life. I was seriously struggling with my own "job happiness" last year (for the past 2 years), and after taking a Loooooong look at myself... I quit. Now I'm the old me again, persuing what I really want to do!

Good luck with everything!